Caution: Very, Very Profane.

So I got my grades.
I did ok.
I guess.
I mean, it wasn't the greatest, and I was sort of dissappointed in some classes because I thought I would get an A and I didn't. So I'm rather upset about it. But I don't really think that there is anything I can do about it now.
But because of this one grade in a class I abhor, despite, and loathe with basically my entire body and soul; my entire being rages in emnity for this class, my maternal guardian is saying that I might have to either go back to ACU for the spring.

Or.

Stay home.

Um.
FUCK. THAT.

I absolutely REFUSE not to go to Uruguay. It's absolute bullshit that she's saying this.

First, I don't even remember my mom saying I had a GPA stronghold that determined me going to Uruguay. Well, if I think really hard, maybe. Mom, for the love of all that is holy, please don't make everything in my fucking life fucking circumstantial. Life happens. I won't do everything right. I will fuck up. There shouldn't always be such dire fucking consequences. Get over your fucking power trip and let me live my fucking life. I am not you. Quit trying to make it so.

Second, my family is so fucking concerned about money that they're flipping out, saying that I'm putting them in debt and basically making me feel like shit about it, and if I pull out of Uruguay now, they get no money back. None of it can be returned. That's a whole semester abroad that will be wasted because of one fucking C in a God-awful class. That is stupid. And foolish. And does not make any sense.

Third, the fucking polisci professor is going to Uruguay this spring. Hello. That is why I need to go this semester. Because I am a FUCKING POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJOR. Plus, I'm almost fluent in Spanish. I'll be fluent after my semester. I'll actually be able to communicate and do shit and whatever in Spanish. And then end up taking other languages and end up being whoever the fuck my dad believes me to be in his own little fucking dreamland. To take that away would be dumb.And I mean it's not like I'm going to Oxford. I already know how the western mind works and how to speak fucking English. I will get a TON out of this trip. Going back to Texas, or going back to Cali; pshh please. I know how they work. I know that Texas is amazing and the Californian are freaking commie hippies who smoke weed and lay down in opium fields. Nothing new.

just because of one.fucking.C.

RIDICULOUS!

Studying abroad is a HUGE opportunity that my mom wants to take away because of one grade. One grade. I am most certainly not staying home. I am most certainly fighting this to the grave. If I go down, it will be in a blaze of glory, like Napoleon. I was thinking about it and I definitely think my dad will pull through for me again, as he always does, because he really wants me to learn Spanish and crap. So that will be awesome. Hopefully. If he does. If I wasn't such a failure of a daughter maybe it'd be better and he'd get up in mom's bizz about it. I don't know. I lie, once again, in the balance of a power trip and a pushover.

I feel like the semester was a bit of a dud. There weren't really many classes I enjoyed. There was one. Got a fucking B. SO PISSED. What is wrong with me?! Why am I not fucking intelligent?? Was there a reason I was not granted like 8 more fucking IQ points?!? REALLY!?!?

Anyway. I just felt rather discouraged all semester. I guess it was so lame because the spiritual aspect diminished a lot. Like, I wasn't really plugged into a church, the life group I decided to go to didn't end up working out, I didn't go to KLF, and I didn't really go to Beltway either. So there wasn't a lot of spiritual stimulation. Which I think is part of the reason it was like that. Granted, there were good things. No doubt about it. I had an amazing roomate and amazing girls in my pod. I learned a lot about myself, it was a rather introspective semester. I think I matured a lot. I don't really know how that happened, because there weren't like super intense situations where I had to grow up. But I did. I feel calmer. I don't feel as sporadic. I don't, however, feel like my thought process is where it should be. I just think like a spaz. Like I don't have a coherent thought process. Which hinders me in so many ways. I seem like a retard when I talk to people and my writing is absolutely ridiculous for school papers and crap. I don't know. And I don't want to say 'I don't know.' I want to be able to identify why I feel a certain way and what made me feel that way and what appropriate action to take in order to correct or change my situation/feeling.

I also feel like any goal that I would have has gone away. Fighting justice in India, blood diamonds in Africa, they just seem so far off. It seems like I'll never be able to do stuff like that. Because I fail at school. And lack passion. and I didn't before. So now I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life at all. AT ALL. I know I want to go to the International realm, but doing what? I dunno. I have to make a living. I have to do something that benefits and helps people. But what? How? So many questions that need answers in the near future and no drive to get there.

It seemeth as though I am fuckedeth.

Ugh. I hate this. I cannot wait to be old so I can just tell people what to do because I have done it all. I can lord it over stupid 20 somethings and tell them, 'no. I'm right. I'm 60 fucking years old. Do what I say.'

In that vein, I have starting counting down for my 21st birthday. Weird sauce. I didn't think I would. But I guess it all depends where I am at that moment. Abilene? Lubbock? Cali? England?

One never knows...