My heart.

I recently received an email from someone in India that I met, asking for support.

And it struck me. I don't know why.
What he was asking for was amounts of money that I do not have and I cannot make.
I was wondering if I just stepped out in faith, if God would provide that money.
But I shrink back in fear at that thought. Which shames me.

As I read the email, 'Time and Confusion' was playing by Anberlin. And it's one of those sort of thinking songs, where thoughts are a little easier to process.

So, after I got this email, I was thinking about India. I was thinking about the people and who I was. And what it all meant. If I was supposed to go back there. If it really is my passion.

It has to be, right? What else would there be? What else would God want me to do?
Why am I so scared to ask? What would be so wrong with aligning myself with the plans of the creator of the universe? Nothing. Duh. It'd be the most retarded thing ever not to do. And yet I cannot let go of India.

But I don't feel like I should. Nor should I let go of Africa. But nothing seems to be happening. I don't feel the overwhelming love for them as I did a few years ago.

But then again, I have sort of fallen into apathy. About my major, career choice, my passions, likes, dislikes, everything. I mean, I like things, and I'm not going around riddled with depression, but nothing like that seems important. Then, I ask myself the question, "Lauren, what is important to you?" And right now, I respond to myself, "Nothing really."

Which is terrifying.
Because I know I am a passionate person. I love things. I have never been one to be like "oh, it's ok." I've always had an opinion. And now, even with politics, my major, it's just kind of apathy with a dash of me knowing what is right, but not really caring.

This is so DUMB. Why, whyyy am I so apathetic?
It makes me crazy.
I was hoping that a mission trip would cure the apathy, but that's not really possible at the moment.
I don't know what will.

Jesus probably will.
I guess I should give that a shot.


Right now I'm listening to 'Taste' by the Josh Abbott Band. Favorite country song ever. Pretty explicit, but hey. Country music singers can get away with most everything. Ha.
It makes me think about Texas, and how I will be heading back to that blessed land in about to weeks. I'm really excited. I can't wait to see everyone and have lots of rain and get back into studying and learning and figuring out life. Now that I think about it, if you work at a college, it's just one great, big science experiment. Semi-teenagers and semi-adults interacting on a daily basis with varied amounts of sleep, school credits, and self-esteem. Definitely would be a fascinating thing to watch.

I am definitely excited to see what is in store for this year. : )