Gettin' Creative..

I don't really know what I do this. I don't have a cause or anything. At least as of now. My life right now consists of studying, drama, getting this one boy to like me, and gaining weight. It's super boring and not interesting. I just realized that my description of my life is scarily accurate to what my life was in high school.

Dear Lord, please, do not let that be the case.

I guess I can do this because I can be mean to the people directly around me and not have them have any idea. But if they ever find out about it that would be the absolute end to my life EVER.

Again, high school.

This is dumb. I feel like life should be so much more...especially now. It has been more, I guess. It is different than high school. I'm not at home. I have to do everything myself. I have to study when I need to (which is now, but whatever) and make decisions about how I conduct myself and crap like that. But I thought people were supposed to be different. But no, my school apparently compiled all of the high school drama queens in one place i.e. my hall.

They are so frustrating because I feel so different from them. I feel like an alien. I guess it makes sense though, they're all from the same state, all from really small towns, I don't think that many of them have traveled internationally. And I'm different. I'm not from here. I've seen things. But is that necessarily a qualification for me to be so different? Because we're all girls. We all have some of the same DNA that makes us obnoxious and bitchy or whatever. So is it a real difference? Or am I imagining things?

Show them a picture of those in Darfur or the prostitutes of India and I highly doubt that they would see the tragedy of it. They would have to ask about the tragedy, I suppose, but I highly doubt it would affect them like it'd affect me or people who care about Darfur. And it's frustrating. Really frustrating.

25 more random facts about me.

So this was really fun on facebook.
And I now have more facts to share.

1. I have 4 scars on my feet all from different types of shoes.

2. My motto is "beauty is pain."

3. Dunkin' Donuts should be shared with the entire U.S. Not just the east. But then again that's like sharing In-N-Out with everyone. And THAT is not going to happen.

4. I don't like iced drinks. But I've had 2 in this past month.

5. I remember I wrote somewhere that there's never a day that I don't think about Africa or India. I was thinking about it and actually wondering if that was true, and I think it is, at least about India. I don't think there's been a day since I have been there that India hasn't passed through my head. I hope to be wrecked for that country and devote the rest of my life to its healing through justice.

6. I do not know where I stand on feminism, although I hate it in its most recent context.

7. Sometimes I think God will punish me for my vanity.

8. I have a thing for a younger guy who knows I like him and chooses to lead me on and break my heart.

9. I could not love my church family more.

10. One of my biggest pet peeves is waiting to sit in my seat on an airplane once I'm on the plane.

11. I am trying to be more intentional about my friends. I'm tired of having friends in my life I can't count on.

12. Sometimes I wonder if the fact that I'm extremely loyal hurts me.

13. I kind of want to dabble in the liberal world and be someone totally different from who I am, like getting dreads and getting a lip ring and believing everything Audrey Lourde says and moving to Seattle. But I don't think that's me. But I don't know what is.

14. Recently it was confirmed in my states and federal class that I AM a conservative. And that I know why. Woop.

15. I miss Heather Marie Klindworth and Tabitha Marie Holcomb like crazy and wish they could be here with me. They are two people I love unconditionally and I know they love me back.

16. I wish I had more willpower to be anorexic.

17. I will never be a photographer. Even though I have a natural eye.

18 . Until last week I did not realize the profundity that females have on males in the physical sense. It's very powerful.

19. I wish that if I prayed for 9 more IQ points, they would come.

20. I would be really happy if my roomate stopped treating me like crap.

21. I would be so much more confident if I was good at sports.

22. I'm only competitive when it comes to nerd things. Like states and capitals.

23. I recommend that everyone befriend at least one foreigner in their life, if not more. You learn so much and it really changes your perspective on a lot of things.

24. I miss my mom a lot.

25. Lyrics have become increasingly important to me.

Venting My Frustration

I just want to let you know something.

YES.
I DO like you.
And I don't know why you have to be a punk-ass about it.
Truly.
I don't know why you act like you might like me, or might not.
It makes me absolutely crazy that you can't just act like a normal human being.
Because I do like you.
I think you are cute.
Your smile is my favorite type of smile.
I want to get to know you, but that won't be POSSIBLE
given that you are NEVER around and you NEVER talk to me.
What gives?
Like, honestly?
Don't act like a effing Cassanova to me if you don't mean anything by it.
Because it will just make me sad.
BECAUSE I DO LIKE YOU.
GET IT?

The Nations.

I always get goosebumps when I hear the word 'nations.' I could not tell you why. Every time it's in a song or every time I hear it or say it or anything I get chills. Weird.

The reason I'm writing this is because I was thinking about worship. I was thinking about church, and how we all were worshiping, and as I was worshiping I thought that this was only one group of people that worship. As I realized that I was in Texas, singing in English, there are so, so many other passionate churches all around the world, singing. I'm still getting goosebumps thinking. I thought about those crazy long church services in India, where the people are so content with sitting and worshiping and singing and drinking in Jesus, or the underground church in China, where the sense of urgency to lead people to the Lord are driving the citizens to endure torture from the government, to the passionate, loud, vibrant churches in Latin American countries, like Peru or Mexico. I think of all sorts of other countries that worship, no matter how few Christians there are, Zimbabwe, Sweden, Latvia, and how they all speak their native languages, how they all cry out to their God and praise him in each of their languages. It gives me such a peace and a cool picture to know that God knows all of their cries, their prayers, their requests, be it in Latvian, Chinese, Tamil, Hindi, Bengali, Spanish, or Swedish, or whatever it is. God knows it all. In each language he knows the nuance and the little things, the slang and those words that cannot be translated. I don't know why, but this picture that God can know EACH Chinese or Indian or Latvian individually, he understands and loves them each. Each faith is different. He knows it all. There are cultures under God, but he knows them all. It's diversity and unity in one. It's personal and community in one. Only God is big enough to do that, to know all and one at the same time.
God is good.

Really Right Now.

I have a confession.

I wish I smoked.

I really, really do.

Thankfully, I was granted a modicum of common sense and will never ever proceed to inhale death, but there is something I really, really like about it. I can't explain what I think is so alluring about it but sadly, it's something that I could see myself doing. It just seems mysterious and contemplative, brooding and something that could take up my time. I think it would detract from my extreme ADD tendencies so that I could focus and actually be a productive human being.

I wonder if we still had no idea of the health risks of smoking if more people would do it. The only reason, it seems like now, is utterly appalling, is because of all of the damage it causes in someone's respiratory system. If no one knew that I totally would be smoking. Because I wouldn't know. And neither would anyone else.

I can see myself smoking. In the sexy way. Not the gross crackhead/chainsmoker way.

Really. Why do I talk?